It's that time of year...

Yes, it is officially Christmas Eve. My dad arrives today along with my brother Scott and good friend Gayle. Presents are all purchased-most of them wrapped in coordinating patterns of Christmas wrapping paper. I did the ,"every child gets his own pattern" thing, and I like it! I just finished assembling the hamster cage, yes, you heard right, hamster. My second son, who is an animal lover, will be thrilled to find his long-awaited best bud under the tree on Christmas morning, munching away on little chew toys. Did you know that hamsters need chew toys?!?!  This is a stretch for his rodent-despising mother, but oh, what we do for love;)  

I have planned out meals and will attempt to get last minute grocery items early tomorrow (hopefully before the stores morph into zoos). My tree is sparkling brightly and is surrounded by gifts for and from loved ones. Friends who know me well and love me anyway have shared gifts from their kitchens and from their hearts. Despite all the festive activities and lights and gifts and even the fudge, I just can not seem to catch the Christmas spirit. Is it selfishness? Is it grief? Is it busyness? Is it exhaustion? I just don't know! I'm just not sure what is preventing it from its normal bubbling out! 

One thing I do know is that the true meaning of the season is not some warm fuzzy feeling that one gets from a scene, a song, or a gift. It is an understanding of what The Lord actually did for us when He left His throne in glory to be lain upon a bed of hay; when He took off His royal robes and donned a tattered robe of flawed human flesh; when He stepped out of the splendor of Heaven's shore onto the dry and barren land of earth; when He traded His perfect body for one full of temptation; when He left the presence of His Holy Father to be surrounded by sinners that would never appreciate Him. What did He give up when He was born that chilly night in Bethlehem? Why, He gave all. 
Even without the "feeling" I usually experience at this time of year, I intend to focus on Him and the Greatest Gift ever given...or received!!! 

Just another poem...

I am the sand and grief is the sea.
It continues to crash in a bold revelry.
At sometimes waves roll as a peace laden psalm,
But other times, breakers crash, crushing my calm.
When my tears fall as rain drops re- filling its well,
The ocean of grief can do nothing but swell.
And so here I lie, awaiting the waves waning,
My borders down-trodden with storms unrestraining.
In hopes that on one day the sea will recede
Allowing the sand of my soul to grow seed
Of memories bringing not pain but a smile
Where the ocean meets shore, not surrounds as an isle.

I never understood why it was that the holiday season was hard for people dealing with grief. I know now. The simplest things can set off a wave of tears: a song, an ornament, a card, a taste. We focus on our loss instead of our loved one's gain. I will be praying in a much different way this Christmas, for memories to bring smiles not tears, laughter, not regret, and peace, not pain. As we celebrate the birth of Him who made it possible for us to be reunited in Heaven, let us focus on the reason we celebrate and the loved ones who are here to celebrate with us! Our loved ones who are celebrating in Heaven will have the most amazing Christmas ever!